How to Talk About Politics With Family Over the Holidays (Without Ruining Dinner)

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

  • Choose the right time and place for political conversations, ideally in smaller, calmer settings and not after heavy drinking.
  • Lead with curiosity, not conversion: focus on understanding your family member’s perspective instead of winning an argument.
  • Look for shared values and common ground to reduce polarization and protect your relationship.
  • Set clear boundaries and know when to pause, redirect, or end the conversation to protect your emotional safety.
  • Give yourself grace if distance or grief around changing relationships becomes necessary.

Table of Contents

Why Talking Politics With Family Can Be Worth It

The common advice used to be simple: never talk about politics at the dinner table. But insights from psychologist Lynn Bufka of the American Psychological Association and clinical social worker Sarah Herstich suggest a more nuanced reality.

Completely avoiding politics can reinforce echo chambers. Bufka argues that one of the problems in the U.S. today is that people are not listening to perspectives different from their own. When done thoughtfully, political conversations with family can:

  • Deepen understanding of people you care about
  • Reveal the values driving each person’s views
  • Strengthen trust, even when you still disagree

The key is not whether you talk about politics, but how you do it—and whether the relationship feels safe enough to try.

When and Where to Have Hard Political Conversations

Context can make or break the conversation. Both experts recommend being intentional about timing and setting:

  • Avoid alcohol-fueled moments. When “everyone’s been drinking,” emotions are higher and self-control is lower.
  • Skip the big, captive-audience dinner table. Not everyone wants to engage, and the person in the minority may feel “ganged up on.”
  • Choose a more private or active setting. A walk, washing dishes, or baking cookies together can make people feel more relaxed and honest.

Ask yourself: Is this a moment where both of us could be calm, honest, and relatively open? If not, wait.

Lead With Curiosity and Common Ground

Bufka recommends shifting your internal goal from “I need to change their mind” to “I want to understand their point of view.” That small mindset change lowers defensiveness on both sides.

“If you’re willing to say, ‘I want to understand these people I care about,’ you’re setting yourself up to be far more successful.” – Lynn Bufka

You can try language like:

  • “I know we don’t see eye to eye on this, and that can feel scary to talk about, but I’d like to try if you’re open.”
  • “Can you share what experiences led you to feel this way?”

Herstich also emphasizes the power of common ground. For example:

  • You may disagree on economic policy but both care about financial security.
  • You may differ on immigration but both value safety and dignity.
  • You may strongly oppose their views, yet both value not losing the relationship.

Returning to these shared values can “anchor” the conversation when it becomes tense.

Why Respectful Language Matters

Once the conversation gets personal, it usually stops being productive. Bufka warns against attacks like:

  • “You’re an idiot.”
  • “How could you ever think that?”

Insults don’t change minds; they damage relationships and model unhealthy communication for children who may be listening. If your goal is any kind of understanding, prioritize:

  • Describing your own feelings and values (“I feel worried when…”)
  • Asking open-ended questions instead of accusing
  • Pausing when you notice your voice or body tensing up

Setting Boundaries and Knowing When to Walk Away

Not every conversation can or should be salvaged. Both experts encourage clear boundaries.

If things get heated, you can:

  • Say, “I think we’ve hit a wall on this. Let’s agree to disagree for now.”
  • Take a break: “I need a little time to cool off. Can we pause this?”
  • Redirect: “This is getting tense. Let’s switch to something lighter.”

For some people—especially those who feel marginalized or unsafe in the current political climate—the risk of these conversations is much higher. In families where political talk “always goes south fast,” Herstich notes that refusing to engage can be the healthiest choice.

Boundaries are not a failure; they are a way of maintaining both integrity and emotional safety.

Practicing Self-Compassion When Family Politics Hurt

Sometimes, the hardest part is not the argument itself but the realization that the relationship is not what you thought it was. Herstich highlights the real grief that can come with distancing yourself from family over values and beliefs.

If you feel this grief:

  • Normalize it: it’s common and valid to mourn the relationship you hoped for.
  • Lean on supportive friends or chosen family.
  • Limit or structure contact in ways that feel safer to you.

Above all, she urges: “Be really gentle with yourself.”

Practical Scripts You Can Use

To make this actionable, here are a few ready-to-use phrases inspired by the experts’ advice:

  • To open thoughtfully:
    “I know we see politics differently, but I care about you and I’d like to understand more about how you see things. Are you open to talking about it for a bit?”
  • To find common ground:
    “It sounds like we both want people to feel safe and secure, even if we support different policies. That’s helpful for me to remember.”
  • To set a boundary mid-conversation:
    “I’m starting to feel really activated. I don’t want us to say things we’ll regret. Can we pause and come back to this later, or drop it for today?”
  • To decline entirely:
    “Politics has been really heavy for me lately, and I’m not up for that topic right now. Let’s talk about something else.”

For more tools on navigating difficult emotions and boundaries, consider pairing this with resources on holiday stress management or communication skills in close relationships.

Quick FAQ: Family Politics & Holidays

Should I ever completely avoid politics with my family?

If conversations consistently become dehumanizing, aggressive, or unsafe—especially for marginalized family members—then yes, it can be wise and protective to opt out.

Can political talk ever strengthen a relationship?

Yes, when both people stay respectful, curious, and grounded in shared values, political conversations can deepen understanding and trust, even if no one changes their mind.

What if I’m the only one who wants a respectful conversation?

You still have power over your boundaries. You can model the tone you want, and if others refuse to engage respectfully, you can step away or limit these topics entirely.

Source: https://time.com/7339012/family-politics-conversations-arguments-holidays/